Multi-purpose

[Bill Kibbel]

I'm now at a quarter of a century of tolerating annoying agents, calming irate sellers and diffusing angry tenants with my charm.

It's too much effort now and I'm tired. That's why I'm getting this:

http://www.palmettopersonalprotection.n ... -p-91.html

[gtblum]

Looking at the size of that thing, if the stun doesn't work, you can always beat them with it.

[Erby]

Nah, I'd probably end up stunning myself with it. I'll pass.

Remember this from sometime ago?

===============================

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased

his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest. The occasion was our 15 th anniversary and I was looking for

a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were

supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue

arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)

and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going

to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did

want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient

your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring

about 5'' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really

and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,

'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side as if to say, 'don't do it dip shit,' reasoning that a one second

burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I

decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched

the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER

OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jesse Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up

in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over

and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

position,with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,

testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in

the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to

a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to

avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one

note of caution: there is no such thi ng as a one second burst when you

zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand

by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be

considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of

the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from

where it originally was My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were

still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,

and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense

of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I

believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm

offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

==================================================

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[Bill Kibbel]

Erby,

When I read that, I laughed hard. I shared it with my wife and she's wanted one ever since. I'm pretty sure it's because she's picturing this for me:

"I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

position,with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,

testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in

the oddest position, and tingling in my legs."