Home Inspections in the Year 2025

[hausdok]

By Mike O'Handley, TIJ Editor

It's a very large dark circular room with huge video screens mounted high in a circle around a central pit. In the pit, operators seated in front of keyboards are staring at monitors and are chattering into headsets. At times the chatter gets pretty loud and every once in a while the image on one of the huge wall monitors changes while one of the operators directs his attention to it.

At first glance, one could easily mistake this room for NASA's mission control central in Houston, instead of what it really is, the operations center for Walter J's home inspection report writing and delivery business.

Walter J. is standing in the center of the pit wearing a headset and looking like the captain of a starship. Back in the 1990's and early part of the century, he'd made a name for himself as a home inspector and expert witness and had written a popular humor column for a local weekly. Now he helps home inspectors all over North America quickly turn out the best written and most defensible narrative home inspection reports on the planet.

Walter J's operators are running a variety of different home inspection software programs as they watch live video feeds and commentary that's being transmitted to them via satellite from audio/video transmitter headsets worn by home inspectors at inspection sites all over North America.

Far away, as Jim K., an Oregon inspector, describes an issue to his client, the operator that is monitoring the inspector's presentation quickly modifies one of the inspector's boilerplated narratives, so that it applies more closely to the house currently being inspected, and adds it to the report that's compiling on the operator's second monitor. Walter J., seeing the inspector's name displayed on the status board above the operator's console, walks over and looks at what the operator has typed into the report narrative. He knows Jim K. and how particular Jim is about his reports. He nods approvingly; no passive voice there, it's written in plain language, makes sense and is defensible in court - no need to interject anything into one of Jim's reports.

Suddenly, a red light begins to blink on monitor #12; it's a relatively new inspector from Maryland who's hit the assist button on his headset. Walter J. dials his headset control to channel #12, turns up the volume and directs the operator handling that report to project the feed onto a wall monitor so he won't have so squint at the screen over the operator's shoulder.

In Maryland, the inspector is trying to make a couple of bewildered looking buyers understand the significance of an unflashed deck ledger. The reason the inspector hit the assist button is that his client's spouse is demanding to know why the ledger needs to be flashed when there isn't any flashing on the deck the client had built himself at home. Even though the Maryland inspector is trying to help his client, the client seems to be taking offense; possibly due to the way his spouse is looking at him with one of those, "What the hell did you do?" glances.

Walter J. presses the talk button and chimes in, "Steady boy, there's nothing to be nervous about. Just tell 'em that without flashing the area behind that ledger can rot and that, if it does, it's going to be expensive to fix. Just reiterate that they need to get a good deck builder out there to fix it now. As far as that guy's deck goes, ask him whether he has X-ray vision and how he knows for certain that his unflashed deck ledger hasn't been a problem."

The couple is oblivious to the fact that their inspector had just been assisted from 1500 miles away by one of the best inspectors in the business. As the inspector repeats that explanation and advice to his clients, Walter J. sees an immediate change in the husband's demeanor; he's trying to think of a clever retort but is at a loss for words. The guy's wife on the other hand gives her husband a look that says, "Shut up and listen, Smart-Ass."

Walter J. turns to operator #12 and says, "Make sure you include all of that in the report but leave out anything related to the husband's jackleg-built deck." The operator nods and slams away at his keyboard for a few seconds. Walter J. briefly scans the result, gives the operator a thumbs up and the image of the Maryland rookie disappears from the overhead monitor. As the operator hits the enter key, 1500 miles away the rookie hears a tone in his headset that tells him the issue and his explanation have been clearly documented in the report. The rookie lets out a sigh of relief and continues with his inspection; Uncle Walter has saved his bacon again and now he knows how to handle this issue the next time.

Another alert signal appears on screen #6 on the other side of the room. Walter J. turns his control to channel #6 and motions for operator #6 to display the image on the overhead; way up in Vermont, an inspector is trying to make a stubborn real estate lady with really big hair understand why an issue needs to be fixed by a professional and not by her cousin, the neighborhood handyman.

Walter J. can see by her demeanor that she's one of that small segment of manipulative agents that thinks home inspectors live and breath just to facilitate her deals. As he listens in, it's clear to Walter J. that she's being a royal pain in the ass; she's co-opted the inspector's client and is now chattering away about how she knows just the guy who can fix the issue in ten seconds for less than $50 bucks.

Try as he might, the inspector can't seem get a word in edgewise. This is causing the inspector to lose rhythm and is going to bog him down and make him late for this next appointment. Walter J. can see on the monitor that the inspector's client looks pretty distressed and intimidated. Walter J. doesn't know if it's the tone in the agent's voice, or the agent's Marge Simpson hairdo, that's got the customer stressed, but it's obvious that something has to be done quickly.

Walter J. feels his adrenaline go up; he's going to enjoy this - there's nothing he likes more than to skewer some wise-ass Lexus-driving realtorzoid who thinks that belittling home inspectors is sport. He keys his microphone, talks softly for a few moments and then watches as the inspector parrots his words. After a moment, the lady with the really big hair turns first beet red; then she goes white as a sheet and is reduced to a stammer. Deflated and obviously defeated, she turns and walks away - even her hairdo looks like it's lost some of its volume.

On the overhead monitor, Walter J. can see that the inspector's client looks very relieved and is now listening attentively to what the inspectors is saying. Jowers chuckles and says into his microphone, "Bet she'll never belittle another inspector again, Charlie."

And so it goes - all day long. As each inspection is completed, the operators send them via email directly to the clients' email addresses and the report writing/processing fee is added to the inspector's monthly bill. One by one, operators key in the next inspector that's standing by in queue to start an inspection at a prearranged time slot. Walter J, ever the maestro, keeps things moving like a well-oiled clock.

At the end of the day, Walter J. feels pretty pleased with himself; he's prevented at least 30 inspectors from making huge costly mistakes, dealt with at least a half dozen know-it-all 'zoids, processed several hundred inspections, and made more in a single day than he used to make in a week as an inspector and home inspection pundit.

Now it's time to park on the porch, watch his great grandchildren play some softball in the back yard and enjoy some libation.

Life's good.

####

[Erby]

Somebody's got way too much time on their hands.

You ever think about writing a book?

[hausdok]

Nah,

No time on my hands; I just cut and pasted this in here from somewhere else. I wrote it a few months ago.

Way back when I first got into investigations in the Army my boss told me that I should write for a living. I told him he must have been doin' happy smoke.

ONE TEAM - ONE FIGHT!!!

Mike

[Tom Raymond]

In 516 years Walter J will be more machine than man, NY still won't have a provision for cyborg inspectors on the books, and I won't be able to use his services. Damn!

Good story Mike.

Tom

[hausdok]

Hi Tom,

Well, what you don't know is that by the year 2025 there will be do-it-yourself cloning kits sold at convenience stores and the Walter J. in that story will be Walter J. CCXL. []

Thanks for pointing that out, I guess I had Zager & Evans on my mind. Edit to title made.

ONE TEAM - ONE FIGHT!!!

Mike