Joke

[Terence McCann]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!", I said.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake

up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in

order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with

that one!, I thought). Then, he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted

[chrisprickett]

Three Kick Rule

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and

dropped a bird, but it

fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer

climbed over the fence, an

elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and

now I'm going to retrieve

it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming

over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the

United States and, if

you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you

own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we

settle disputes in

Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first

I kick you three

times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until

someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided

that

he could easily

take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to

the

attorney. His first

kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the

lawyer's

groin and dropped

him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last

meal gushing from his

mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his

rear end sent him

face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his

feet. Wiping his face

with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my

turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.[:-dev3]

[Richard Moore]

Funny!

I had this one e-mailed to me today. I thought that Chad in particular might enjoy it.....

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved and signed up for the evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler".

[Chad Fabry]

wouldn't that be a proctologist?

[Richard Moore]

Most of you are probably aware that Thomas Edison developed the Electric Chair in the 1880’s. Most cynics believe he did this to demonstrate the lethality of AC current, and thereby promote his “saferâ€

[Richard Moore]

I know...I know!

I seem to often get a grimace when I was trying for a grin. Just can't resist a truly horrible pun.

Oh well...I guess that still leaves me a chance on American Idol. The neighborhood dogs howling when I sing is a good thing, isn't it?

Back to the report...Richard

[kurt]

Complete topic drift.....

Who knows how Edison made his fortune?

(this is not a joke, & don't guess the lightbulb; he lost his ass on that project)

[kurt]

Originally posted by Douglas Hansen

Well - he did spend about 12 years working on something else that is a pretty basic material in just about every building we look at. Am I getting warm?

DH

Quite toasty. He invented the rolling mill for the inexpensive manufacture of portland cement. Master Doug, just can't get nuthin' by yez.....

[swarga]

I thought he invented the "Realtor Check List report"[:-bigmouth][:-bonc01][:-smile_green][:-sly][:-spin]

[WILLIE]

Texas Chili Cook Off

INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting

Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last

moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking

directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili

wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

_________________________________________________________

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried

paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope

that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

_________________________________________________________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

saw the look on my face.

__________________________________________________________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I

have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more

beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is

in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

____________________________________________________________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to

look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an

aphrodisiac?

_______________________________________________________

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can

no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Screw those rednecks!

________________________________________________________

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice

and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips

anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

___________________________________________________

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried

about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is

cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't

feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like

it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my

damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch

hole in my stomach.

____________________________________________________

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,

not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed

out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure

if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a

really hot chili?

[Brian G]

Funny, but I could have done without the repeated use of the Special High Intensity Term.

Brian G.

Never Eat Chili

[Paul MacLean]

Hey Brian,

I too am not a heavy user of foul language, but you're got to admit the story wouldn't be the same without it.

Willie, Thanks for sharing, now go sleep it off[:-bonc01]

[Chad Fabry]

I must be a heavy user, I had to re-read it to notice it.

[Richard Moore]

Willie...good stuff!

Wasn't Brian the the one who posted the "Inspector from Nantucket" limmerick?

We all know how that and every other Nantucket limmerick ends.

Brian...You goin' soft on us boy? Eh? Get your #2 together!

Big Dick from Seattle

[Chad Fabry]

This post has been edited.

My original post was tasteless and sophomoric... even for me. So, I'll refrain from pushing the envelope until I get Mike's stamp of approval. I'll try to stay first class instead of bulk rate. The result of such effort will likely result in postal puns. Just so you know.

[Richard Moore]

OK, I'm done now too! Richard

[kurt]

Originally posted by hausdok, in part:

I wish I could do more to show my appreciation to everyone that has been so loyal to TIJ over the past couple of years.

ONE TEAM - ONE FIGHT!!!

Mike

A couple crisp C notes would be delightful.....

[Brian G]

Originally posted by Richard Moore

Wasn't Brian the the one who posted the "Inspector from Nantucket" limmerick?

We all know how that and every other Nantucket limmerick ends.

Yeah, I posted that, but I implied the "F" word rather than spell it out and it was only in there once. Hair splitting to some degree, yes. Hey I'm not deeply offended or anything, I use all of those words here and there. I just don't think they're appropriate for this type of venue, especially over and over. A certain amount of restrait is always called for from an adult in a public place, don't you think? (Don't worry Jimmy, strip clubs are excluded!) [-crzwom]

Brian G.

Stop That #@%$*#% Cussing! [!]

[Richard Moore]

Brian...Just pulling your leg a little. [:-jester]

Aw, hell[:-angel] heck! You know that.

[Brian G]

Sure, I know that. []

It's curious though....when a guy signs off as "Big D***" while asking if you've gone soft....

Brian G.

I Don't Think I Wannna Know [:-blindfold]